i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
