the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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