Already got asked if we're dating
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Randomize
