he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
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