I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize