And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
there's paper in my vomit.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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