dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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