the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
