Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
