I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
