My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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