You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
