Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Randomize
