also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
