i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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