If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
