capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
