I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
i permit you to call me
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
