If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
