Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
