she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
That's how pantless uber rides happen
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Randomize
