Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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