he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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