Taylor Swift is so right about you.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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