I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
