wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
you didnt know i had herpes?
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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