You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Randomize
