I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
