On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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