I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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