New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Randomize
