I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
You have to summon your inner elephant
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Randomize