While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
