I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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