honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Randomize