If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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