Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
I think im going to throw up on grandma
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
