my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
