Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize