when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Where is the hickey?
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Randomize
