I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
