found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
