it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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