I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
