He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
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