I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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