I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Randomize
