We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize
