So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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