fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
