i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
