Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
