I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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