3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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