I just saw a hot homeless man
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
