At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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