My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
