i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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