Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
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